


just my soul responding

by astralgabriel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Caring Sam Winchester, Fix-It, Gabriel is in a Bad Place, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of suicidal behaviour, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, The Empty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2018-06-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 10:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14952518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astralgabriel/pseuds/astralgabriel
Summary: What's left of Team Free Will manage to pull Gabriel from the Empty. His response is rather unexpected.





	just my soul responding

**Author's Note:**

> as stated in the tags, there are mentions of suicidal behaviour in this, so if that is a trigger for you, then don't read on

One week.

It had been one whole week since Sam had carried the Messenger of God out of the Empty, pale and unresponsive in his arms.

Rowena had rushed back to the Bunker after hearing about Michael, the small witch bringing a much needed flurry of hope and energy back to the building. Charlie had opted to stay on the road, reaching out to all she could and warning them of Michael’s presence.

Dean’s absence weighed heavily on everyone. Michael choosing to lay low had only worsened that - no-one had seen Dean’s face for a week.

Sam worked like a man possessed, combing through every lore book for anything that could help get his brother back. He only slept when it was physically impossible to carry on, and even then for only a few hours at a time.

Castiel grew increasingly high strung. He had already been struggling with the impending collapse of Heaven and subsequent extinction of his species, and the loss of Dean had tipped him over the edge.

It was a simple thought from Jack one afternoon - “If only I had my powers, I could wake my uncle. He could help us.” - that set the wheels of a rather haphazard plan in motion.

Rowena was able to rip open a portal to the angelic afterlife with relative ease, the rift casting the library in a soft purple glow. Since the Empty could only play host to the supernatural dead, they’d settled on Sam crossing, with Castiel following if he hadn’t returned within a day.

The Cosmic Entity confronted Sam almost immediately, wearing a mockery of his image like a suit two sizes too small. It was the picture of destructive rage and barely concealed pain, its face contorted in an aggressive snarl; Sam narrowed his eyes and lifted his chin defiantly.

“You can’t be here, human,” it spat out, squaring its shoulders.

“Tell you what,” Sam said, folding his arms across his chest. “You give me what I came here for, and I’ll leave.”

The Cosmic Empty stepped towards Sam, though the wince of pain took away from the intimidating gesture. “I don’t make deals with insignificant mortals like you.”

“Well, I guess you’ll just have to suffer then, because I’m not going anywhere.”

They came to a stalemate. Sam wouldn’t budge, and the Entity couldn’t pressure him into leaving. For Sam, this was little more than a minor inconvenience, but for the Cosmic Entity, the pounding pain inside its head grew and grew till it finally relented.

“What do you want, huh? How do I get rid of you?”

“Gabriel,” Sam said, smiling innocently. “I need Gabriel, the archangel.”

The Cosmic Entity scowled at him, but between one instance and the next, the Messenger’s unconscious form appeared in front of Sam. “You get him in the condition I received him. No more.”

Sam sighed, but conceded. Holding the archangel tight to his chest, bridal style, Sam left his twisted doppelganger and the unrelenting blackness of the Empty behind.

Relief coursed through him as he watched Gabriel’s chest rise and fall, slow and rhythmic, in the soft light of the Bunker.

For the first time in a week, Sam felt a spark of hope flicker to life inside him.

* * *

It had been five days since Gabriel woke. He had lashed out at anyone who tried to approach him, watching everything carefully with wild, unblinking eyes. Sam sat on the opposite side of the room and spoke to him in hushed tones till that feral look turned into something more familiar.

“Sam?” Gabriel had said, the name falling from his lips like a hopeful plea.

The sound of his name, uncertain and cautious, had Sam letting out a sigh of relief. “Yeah, it’s me,” he said, his smile spread wide across his cheeks. “It’s me, Gabriel. You’re safe. You’re alive.”

Gabriel surged forward with inhuman speed and gripped Sam desperately tight, fingers clawing into his plaid shirt. Sam held the archangel close, one hand cradling the back of his head, unsure how to handle the protective instinct rearing up inside him.

This was a being of immense power, who could twist time and reality with less than a thought, and in that moment, Sam wanted nothing more than to hide him away from the world’s cruelty.

Sam murmured meaningless comforts as Gabriel shook, silent sobs wracking his body. Gabriel crumbled under the gentle circles traced on his back; Sam realised, with a spike of sorrow, that Gabriel likely hadn’t felt simple kindness in years, maybe longer.

Slowly, the tremors running through Gabriel ceased, giving way to the gentle rise and fall of breathing. Sam noticed, with a soft fondness, that the archangel had fallen asleep against his chest.

There was something so warming about knowing that Gabriel trusted him enough to fall asleep in his arms, that Gabriel felt safe enough to lower his defences completely around Sam.

Trying not to jostle the archangel too much, Sam slipped one arm under Gabriel’s knees and curled the other around his shoulders, lifting him. He figured that whilst Gabriel was probably tired enough to sleep most anywhere right now, a bed was likely more preferable to the floor.

Sam made to leave, but felt himself held in place by a gentle yet unnervingly strong grip; Gabriel blinked up at him sleepily, raw fear and need clear in his eyes. He didn’t have to say a word, Sam just knew.

_Please don’t leave._

If there was anything Sam understood, it was that desperate need to not be alone. To feel the warmth of someone else, to know that this was all real.

Gabriel had forced himself to be functional - _for us_ , Sam’s mind guiltily supplied - long before he was ready. For weeks, Gabriel had forced one foot in front of the other, shaped himself into the image of normality, and his stability had crumbled.

Sam nodded and smiled. When Gabriel finally let his grip fall, Sam shrugged off his plaid shirt and toed off his shoes. He paused momentarily before undoing his belt, stepping out of his jeans. Down to just his boxers and undershirt, Sam pulled the sheet back.

“I’ll just, uh,” Gabriel mumbled, stumbling over his words as he began shuffle to the opposite edge of the bed. “Sorry. Bet you didn’t have spooning with a hot mess on your to do list today.”

“Gabe, it’s okay.”

The smaller man stilled as Sam pulled him back against his chest, then melted into the embrace. Sam was careful to make sure his grip was loose; he knew just how restraining a simple hug could feel in the depths of a panic attack.

It didn’t take long for sleep to pull Gabriel under, every remnant of tension in his body rolling away.

Sam slept lightly that night. Every whimper and every jolt woke him, had him humming gently against the top of Gabriel’s head, pressing soft touches against Gabriel’s palm till the archangel calmed again

Not for the first time - and he found himself hoping not for the last as well - Sam marvelled at the miraculous being in his arms. Where Lucifer had ran jarringly cold, Gabriel was a gentle warmth, like compassion and love embodied in a small frame.

* * *

It had been three days since Sam had last spoken to Gabriel.

It wasn’t for lack of trying. Wherever Sam was, Gabriel was not. Sometimes he caught fleeting glimpses of the archangel turning a corner, but Sam was never fast enough to catch up to him.

He probably just needed some space, Sam reasoned. Resurrections were always disorientating, especially the first time - it took a while to get to grips with the fullness of life again.

It was the first time since his escape from captivity that Gabriel didn’t have a distraction to occupy his mind. There was no revenge mission to throw himself into, or bizarre interdimensional rescue to take part in. There was just processing.

Still, every day, Sam knocked on Gabriel’s door, called his name. There was never a response.

At night, Sam was almost certain he heard muffled sobs echoing down the hallway. Every time he reached Gabriel’s room, he found the archangel fast asleep, curled up and nesting amongst all the pillows and blankets he’d been able to find.

Often, Sam lingered a little longer than necessary, committing the peaceful sleep expression to memory, before the self-loathing and suffering tore it away again come morning.

* * *

“Why couldn’t you have just left me there?”

Sam started at the sound of Gabriel’s voice, blinking up from his book. Gabriel stood in the doorway, shoulders slumped, watching Sam. There was something in his expression behind the neutral mask, something vulnerable and angry and exhausted spilling through the cracks.

“What?” was all Sam managed in response, frowning.

“I was finally free,” Gabriel said, the forced neutral tone slipping, exposing the raw pain in his words. “I had finally escaped, and you- You dragged me back.”

“Gabriel... You’re free, you know that, right? You’re safe here.”

The responding bitter laugh flooded the library with tangible malice, twisting something uncomfortably deep in Sam’s stomach. Gabriel’s feigned cool expression was gone, lips twisting into a snarl.

“Am I free, Sam? Am I really?” Gabriel bit out sharply. “I owe you my life. My gratitude. My servitude. My shackles aren’t physical anymore, but they’re still there.”

“And what’s that meant to mean, huh?” Sam replied, narrowing his eyes. Gabriel lifted his chin defiantly, challenging Sam. “Do you even know how difficult it was to get into the Empty, to convince it to let you go?”

“I never asked you to bring me back. I never wanted to be brought back!”

Sam felt his stomach drop as it all clicked.

“Gabe-”

“I did the whole noble, self-sacrificing death for- for you!” Gabriel yelled, his voice cracking. He paused and dropped his head, drawing in a shuddered breath. “I have nothing left to give, Sam.”

“Gabriel,” Sam said, his tone careful and controlled, “You knew you couldn’t beat Michael, didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“... You didn’t plan on coming back to this world, did you?”

Gabriel averted his eyes, dropping his chin. “No.”

“Why?”

“Does it matter?” Gabriel replied, but the edge was gone - he just sounded tired.

Sam swallowed down his unease - there was something wrong about seeing his own demons and mental struggles mirrored in the Holy Messenger. “It does to me,” he said softly, watching as Gabriel shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.

Gabriel froze for a moment, looking torn between running and opening up, then sighed. He sat down opposite Sam, elbows propped up on the table, but still avoided eye contact.

“Every time I close my eyes, I see him. I know I’m free, but... I’m not. I’m still in that cage, still his little chew toy. I mean, what kind of archangel ends up as some demon’s bitch?” Gabriel laughed, but there was no amusement there, just pain and self-loathing.

“I always knew my brothers were better, stronger, that I was the runt of the litter. The holy offcut with a penchant for hedonism and humanity. Asm- uh, he didn’t just break me. He shattered me, and I can’t even begin put myself back together because I don’t know where all the pieces are.”

Sam wanted nothing more than to reach out, to offer a semblance of comfort to Gabriel as he opened up, but knew the archangel would simply shut down again if interrupted.

“I just- I wanted it to be over, Sam. I want it to be over.”

“I know how it feels. Trust me, I do. You just want it to be over, you want to escape it all and it seems like the only way.”

Gabriel stilled, his lips parted ever so slightly. Sam had his full attention. He wanted to be able to believe Sam, to trust in what he said, but there was still that lingering doubt at the back of his mind.

“Death isn’t the answer,” Sam said, watching the archangel carefully for any response. “It means no more suffering, but also means you never get to recover. You never get to rediscover the beauty in life.”

Gabriel’s lips drew into a thin line as he rubbed at his eyes with his palms, willing the growing urge to cry back down. “I don’t know where to start, Sam,” he said finally, his voice rough and low.

“I’ll help you,” Sam replied, offering up a hopeful smile. “We’ll all help you. One step at a time, Gabe.”

Gabriel nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Sam thought in that moment, Gabriel truly looked his age - the years weighed down on him, dragging his shoulders down, exhausting him to the bone.

“Come on,” Sam said, standing up and offering his hand. Gabriel looked up at Sam, furrowing his brow in confusion. “You need to rest.”

Gabriel allowed Sam to lead him by hand back to his room. He caught Sam’s wrist as the hunter made to leave, looked up at him with the same pleading eyes from days before.

“Stay?”

“Sure.”

**Author's Note:**

> the title this time is inspired by "just my soul responding" by amber run
> 
> i do have a longer multi-chapter piece in the works which i should hopefully start posting soon, which also follows on from the end of s13
> 
> as always, thank you for reading!! kudos and comments honestly make my day so much <3


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